Hey, hello, hi. How are you? It’s been rather quiet here this month, hasn’t it? I’m sorry, I’m not going to apologise for taking time out because I’ve very much needed it. Grab yourself a cup of tea, I’m going to have a ramble.
I’m quite a selfish person, but if there’s one thing I’m terrible at, it’s putting myself first. Somewhat of a paradox, yes but stick with me.
We can all be selfish. And when it’s trivial things I think that is absolutely fine. What I’m rubbish at is being selfish with myself, and taking time out for myself. My gran always tells me I need to meditate more and stop putting everyone ahead of myself. She’s told me this for years, but it’s only recently that I’ve stopped rolling my eyes when she says it.
As grans often are, she’s right.
Like many people, I was totally hung up on making sure people liked me for years. So much so I was quite a paranoid teenager, worrying why people might not like me, or what if people didn’t like me anymore if I did something. It’s something I’ve managed to ditch in the last couple of years, and I’m so much happier for it. The friends I do have, I don’t worry about if they like me because I know they do – flaws and all. As a result, I’ve never been more me than I am today. And yes I know that sounds hella cheesy but you know what I mean.
Whilst I’ve got rid of that insane need for everyone to like me, I still deep down have this need to be the reliable one. The one you can call in the middle of the night and talk through your problems with.
In short, I need to be needed. I know full well this comes from certain experiences in my life and that’s fine. But I need to stop because I can’t be that person 100% of the time. Noone can.
My bad habit has always been ignoring my own problems in favour of looking after others. And that means there are a lot of things that I don’t think I ever properly dealt with. I’d do the equivalent of looking after someone with a grazed knee when my arm was hanging off – and I’d never let on.
Yes, my friends can rely on me to be there when they need me. I’m only ever at the end of the phone and they know I’d drop everything and travel across the country or further for them. But at the same time, I need to stop belittling my own issues and make sure I’m taking time out to deal with them.
In all honesty, I don’t really know what’s been up with me recently. We’re coming to the end of April and I feel like I’ve been very much fulfilling the one goal I set myself for 2017. I’m two months into my job and really enjoying it. I’ve learnt a lot of new skills, and a lot about myself in those two months. But at the same time, I can’t shake this feeling over being overwhelmed.
I spoke in January about feeling like a failure, and the negative impact social media was having on my mindset at the start of the year. I’ve started taking more social media breaks. Stepping away from the internet for an entire weekend at a time is so unbelievably refreshing for me I can’t express it. If you struggle with taking time out I can’t recommend some time away from the internet enough.
Basically, I’m working on taking time out and putting myself first. I’m mixing up my (so-called) schedule so that I can have weekends to myself a little bit more. I love blogging and everything that comes with it, but I just need to find a little more balance moving forward.